So, for a few days I was eerily calm. Then one day the panic hit and I felt like I couldn’t breath. Not even sure where it came from and it wasn’t about one particular thing, it was just an overwhelming sense of everything being really wrong. Mostly, it’s easy to barely notice up here. I’m not leaving the farm at all and in that sense, my days aren’t much different from before. My kids are home, always, that’s different. I’m not going grocery shopping, that’s different. But, for the most part, if I didn’t tune into the news, I wouldn’t notice much. Except I would. It’s in the air. Waves of panic, then deep sadness, then pure fear, washing over me. I never know where they’re coming from nor can I predict when they’re going to hit.

Today we had a good day. Structure, predictability, kids doing their school work diligently at the table. I moved my office downstairs so I could continue to write and do my work while the kids do theirs. It’s dark outside, the clouds are heavy, the wind is howling and we lost power briefly. I built a fire because I just couldn’t shake the chill. We moved smoothly from breakfast to lessons to lunch to quiet time and back to lessons. I almost felt normal. And that’s the point. I can lose myself in my hermit routine and feel safe and settled. But then, someone shares a news story or I get a frenzied text from a friend or family member and I feel my throat tighten—I am reminded, that the world is out there and people are hurting, people are scared, people are dying.

The past week I have spent trying to locate myself in the chaos. I have wanted to dive into this challenge from a place of clarity, logic, trust (in my own instincts) and courage. I’m no stranger to chaos and drama and trauma, but this time I didn’t want to let it control me. I had a Zoom appointment with my therapist and had a bit of a breakthrough. I am consciously speaking of therapy because it is so helpful and so important and frankly, I’ve grown tired of the shame and stigma that is attached to seeking emotional and mental support from a professional. I had been feeling the old zero-to-sixty panic trying to worm its way in, trying to control me instead of me finding a place for it. Triggers are real and they aren’t simply some “liberal snowflake” phenomena, as I’ve often heard them referenced. It’s very simple. You find yourself in a situation where you are feeling the same as you have felt in the past and so, on some level, you revert to that past self even though you are in the present and whatever crippling emotions may have been associated with that past kind of take over.

I’m so done with that. I wanted to be present now and move forward from now. As my past chaotic and fearful experiences cascaded through my consciousness, I came to rest on one very important truth. I am different. I am not the person who had those experiences any more. She will always be a part of me, but just one of many parts. This situation is different because I am different. Seems ridiculously simple.

It is one thing to know that and to feel better for a moment because, of course, that makes sense. It’s a whole other thing to be able to find that place of logic every time the fear, sadness or panic creeps up again. It’s not about denying those emotions, rather, it’s simply about carving out a room for them, giving them the “tip of the hat” so to speak, but not letting them MC your day. Again, as I said in my previous post, there’s not a lot I can do up here except to share and encourage. I have loved how close friendships and family relationships have been solidified during these past couple of weeks. I have seen kindness and compassion and have experienced empathy and support. We human beings are capable of incredible amounts of courage and determination. Every day is a new day and now that the future is so uncertain, it’s all we have. I am determined to try to move intentionally into each moment without a clue of what comes next. It’s the only thing I know how to do.