Dear Republican Women,

If you are sincere in your desire to “get back to the vision of the country that the founding fathers intended”, there are a few things you should do immediately.

· Relinquish ownership of, well, everything you own, to your husband, father, brother, or any male relative that has a remote claim to them. If you are single or widowed, you will need to move back in with your parents or with a male relative who will begrudgingly take responsibility for you. If you have significant wealth, it may be just a little less begrudgingly.

· Shred your credit cards, you will need one in your husband’s name only and be sure to solicit his permission for all of your purchases.

· Close your bank account and transfer all that money to any male in the vicinity, lacking a direct relative, remember, a third, fourth, or fifth cousin will do, should you choose to marry said relative you may even get to pretend the money still belongs to you.

· If you have young daughters, groom them to be submissive and compliant and begin the search for their husbands ASAP as it is the only way they will have any kind of decent and comfortable life with a respectable social standing. They should be ready to wed by the time they’re in their mid-teens, and preferably no older than early twenties, after which time they will be cruising toward spinsterhood and virtually unmarriageable. Don’t fret if your child’s suiter is well past his prime, she will learn to tolerate and appreciate his shriveled ass, after all, her only purpose in his life is to carry and birth as many of his offspring as possible. If she dies in the process, he will simply replace her with another. And if she is unable to conceive, he may return her to you, shamed, used, sullied, her use by date expired.

· Stop driving. It is unseemly for a woman, and, oh right, no cars—duh!

· If you have an opinion, keep it to yourself. The female brain is feeble and unable to articulate or process complex thought. Don’t expect your daughters to go to college or to advance far past grade school for that matter (if you are not middle or upper class there is a good chance you and your daughters will receive no education), or if you are a young woman eager to excel after high school, don’t expect institutions of higher learning to welcome you. Education is wasted on a woman and quite frankly, dangerous. With knowledge women may begin to expect more, or, heaven forbid, might even demand to be treated equally to men some day!

· Recall your female judges and politicians. As women, they have no business holding positions of power.

· Stop voting! You do not have that right! Trust that the men in your life will choose the candidate that will best represent your, I mean, their interests, yours are of no consequence.

And, by the way, abortion wasn’t illegal in this country until male doctors wrested maternal care from midwives. Before that, it was quite commonplace and was known as “restoring the menses” (https://www.npr.org/2022/05/18/1099795225/before-roe-the-physicians-crusade).