As a kid, I always thought that I had to have a best friend and that if I didn’t, I was hopeless and would die of loneliness. That friend had to be a girl like me, my exact age, and spend every possible moment with me. As a result, I had my heart broken countless times due to the inevitable moving and changes that most young families experience. Modern day friendships, I’ve learned by observing my children, seem to be as fluid as as shifting tides. I watch them float easily in and out of some friendships, while others stick like glue. The idea of a best friend doesn’t appear to be as important to them. The times that I’ve asked my children who their best friend is, they turn around and list off a number of kids. I chuckle to myself, why have one best friend when you can have five or six or ten best friends? I like this improved way of walking through life, rather than putting all of their hope and energy into one person the way I did.

Friendship is intriguing specifically because it is difficult to define, or to constrict under one umbrella. It changes over time, but somehow, it can stay very much the same. It is made up of the same stuff no matter how old or young you are, or which century you live in. In my own life, the friendships I made as a child seem to be etched into my very cells. It’s not like I’ve remained the best of friends with all of those people, but I find that when I do see them again, it’s as if no time has past. Although we may have grown up to be very different adults, with almost nothing in common, the respect remains, the understanding, and for lack of a better word, the bond. Friendships that I developed in my formative years seem to be solidified in time and space, by shared experiences and a shared history. There are some people you connect with on such a profound level that no amount of time or distance can kill the connection. These are the friends that are like siblings, that no matter how great the distance has become, you would jump on a plane in a heartbeat if they needed you.

It’s not to say that friendships made in college and beyond aren’t deep and profound. The difference for me is that the friendships I’ve formed as an adult seem to happen on a more deliberate timeline, at slower pace. As an adult I find that I tend to gravitate toward people who have similar goals and beliefs, or sometimes, have kids who are friends with my kids. However, those friendships can also be etched onto the soul in a similar way as in childhood, especially if they are strengthened by adversity. When I’ve spent a significant amount of time slogging through difficult moments with people I’ve connected with as an adult, those are the friendships, although they may feel stifled by time and distance, in which a reunion ignites true and deep joy. The reunion may be brief, but the mutual boost of warmth and love reminds me that there is so much good in our world.

Friendship is precious, it feeds the soul. Time that is spent nurturing friendship is time well spent. I have been fortunate in my life to have friends that are not only my age, but also those who are much older than I. I am grateful for them, people who always believed in my strength and ability, who never once wavered in their complete confidence in my success in spite of my own doubt. These were people who, although they could have used their position to teach and mold me, instead, simply treated me like an equal, doling out the same respect that they would to someone their own age, a nod to my autonomy at a time when the mere fact that I was a child made me less than.

Bottom line, there is no roadmap or formula for friendship. It is born of a spark of familiarity, be it through convenience of proximity or a kindred spirit, a parallel, but separate life experience. And the most important thing I’ve learned is that, even though, while running the rat race of our lives, it often takes a concerted effort to simply keep in touch, it is so worth it. Connection with others, be it deep and profound or merely on the surface, is what helps us maintain our humanity. I know that in my own life, sometimes the thought of throwing a dinner party for friends, having a quick glass of wine before dinner, or jumping on a plane for a birthday, wedding, or graduation, makes me tired in advance, I am always so glad when I follow through. Afterward, though I may indeed be exhausted, my heart and mind are so full and motivated and refreshed, that I vow to do it again.